Often when a child becomes escalated, it is emotional for everyone involved. Below are tips to help both adult and child de-escalate and work through big emotions!
In a previous post, we broke down the importance of regulation. This post is focused on building on that regulation to help a child de-escalate when they are having difficulty staying safe or calming down. When an individual with ASD has limited communicative ability, it can be especially challenging for them to have their wants and needs met, and that can lead to frustration or sadness.
Covid 19 has added additional challenges to de-escalation due to limited access to in-home support, which can mean that parents have to take on many additional roles for their children.
Limit Verbals
First, it is important to remember that matching the child’s volume and emotions will rarely help resolve the situation. It is easy to fall into matching their screaming, but the best thing you can do when a child is yelling or screaming is to bring your voice down to a whisper. This will naturally help the child modulate their volume, even if it may take them some time. Getting on the child’s level is also a wonderful nonverbal way to help the child feel safe.
Additionally, when speaking to a child who is escalated, aim to use as few verbals as you can. For children with ASD, they may already struggle with receptive language, and using long phrases when they are dysregulated is often not helpful. For example, if your child is hitting and screaming, you could calmly say “I don’t like that, I can give you some space”. It can also be helpful to quiet the environment and encourage safety by removing other children or loud stimuli like a TV show.
Validate Emotions
While it is tempting to use logic to help your child regulate by saying things like “Stop hitting me! I told you you just have to wait for a turn with the ball! It’s not that big of a deal”, a child (or adult) is not able to access their logical brain when they are dysregulated.
After your child is de-escalated and you are calm as well, you can process the incident together. If you attempt to use logical thinking when they are upset, it can often escalate the situation further, and lead the child to feel like their feelings are being dismissed. Simply remaining physically close to a child while being silent can really help them feel heard.
Provide Choices
The most important aspect of de-escalation is safety for both your child and yourself. At times, it may be best to provide the child with some space. In those instances, you can utilize a safe spot. In my program room, we have a safe spot based on Conscious Discipline and it utilizes a bean bag chair, and simple visuals. We have a visual that says "how are you feeling?" that features pictures of different emotions that my clients can point to. Additionally, we have options for ways to calm down that they can point to such as bubbles, balloon breathing, space, a hug, etc. Providing these options can help the child build coping skills and a toolkit for when they are dysregulated in the future. Children can also benefit from knowing what options are available to them to help them calm down. For example, you might label “you look really mad right now. It’s ok to be mad and stomp your feet, but it’s not ok to hit.” Then you could hand them the visual of safe calm down choices.
"Misbehavior is a caution sign pointing to skills children are missing. Punishing behavior does not stop it. The only thing that will change behavior is to teach a new skill to replace the troublesome behavior" -Conscious Discipline
Identify Triggers
I have been a therapist for years and what I have found most beneficial is to remind myself that the child is not giving me a hard time, they are having a hard time. Recognizing my own triggers has also been helpful in my ability to remain calm. Your triggers could be hitting, screaming, spitting, throwing items, etc. A trigger will typically cause you to feel frustrated or upset yourself, and it is often different for everyone. When a child engages in a behavior that is triggering to you, it is especially important to check in with yourself and take a second to respond, rather than react to the behavior. You might notice that you are able to wait out your child's screaming, but if they spit on you it triggers a reaction. The more that you can control your response to triggering behaviors, the more you can be present for your child.
Additionally, you can learn what is most triggering to your child and help them prepare for those triggers. If you know that your child has a hard time sharing with their sibling, it might be helpful to put things in place to help them be successful and get ahead of an escalated situation. For example, you could say "Alright Amanda, you have one more minute with the doll and then it is your sister's turn". Building countdowns and warnings into their daily life is a great way to help them learn what to expect, and often prevent their frustration from becoming a crisis. Often caregivers will avoid situations that are triggering for their child because they don't want to upset them, but it is more effective to teach your child how to work through their triggers since they will not always be able to avoid them.
Plan Ahead
Lastly, it is important to develop a crisis plan with your child's team of therapists. The crisis plan will often include de-escalation techniques, emergency phone numbers, and a plan for safety in school or at home. Similar to a "go bag" in your home or classroom, the hope is that you will never need it, but it is better to be prepared!
Let me know if you have any questions or other de-escalation techniques!